wow...what a randomly weird...but kinda great weekend. Never knew that much could be crammed in as well as goin pretty slow... Not bad i'd say. Just come back from the cinema....man i've been a pig this weekend xDDD Friday i crammed my face with pizza, came home and cooked a big pan o noodles whilst munching other crap. Saturday i eat a big stuffed baked potatoe then head to Fairfield arms and go break my chain of never eating meat...whilst not actually noticing i was eating meat till half way through my meal xDD then the cheesecake and now today i decided to eat a footlong subway and afterwards stuff my face with cinema popcorn.
i think i can speak safely when i exclaim that i'm the biggest pig of you all.
it has to stop!!!! :'( tooo much years and years of habit drilled into my being that i just can't.
i can make it almost four days and then i blow it. In the face of company i don't care.
sucks.
ahh well, i'm not even that bothered really xD just nother thing to go on the waiting list.
now i have a headache .
i need a bath and gota get homework done. Nother week to face, good or bad? i duno. But i defietnely don't want another one like last. nuuu uhhhh
so what else. i gotta organise my room !!! i mean really organise it this time round. I wana clear my cuboards out and make everything make sense just so i'll feel this whole fiasco right now makes a little more sense.
I really was in the mood to talk it out today. Talk and talk and talk until i didn't have to carry old worn out brain worms with me anymore. and so they don't wiggle and chomp their way down the things i gotta get my mind on...stuff that'll get me through long term. But alas...yeah it happens. Whenever i'm there...in the place of complete openess...they never are. I'm the lady of all things opposite, so kneel.
So yesterday was awesome. Even though i din't get to go the pearl. That place was nice, company makes it even better.
So i'm off.
oh yeah i want an irish man.
find me one.
g'bye xxx
p.s i've never done one o these things, so do it ... please?
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JUST STOP IT.... WHATEVERS HAPPENING, WHATEVER SWITCH HAS BEEN SWITCHED JUST DON'T!!!! I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS NO NO NO CAN'T. IT'S POINTLESS... I'LL GO ROUND ANOTHER BEND AGAIN ARGHHHHH
Wow I'm a complete freak man.... I keep sleeping too much. Last night I must have had 10 hours then I come home and I'm shattered AGAIN! WTS?! so I fall asleep for another four hours an guess what? I'm still tired! Either someones stabbed a really strong sedative into my arm somehow or I've just really not had much sleep... but the crazy thing is I thought I did.... may not have been at sane hours but I did. I have so much frikin work to do.. let me just list it, I've successfully freaked myself out with it all... it really is way too much:
WAAEKWT-5I235-!!!!! arghhhh I have two options.. to turn into a insane maniac and rip my hair out in an attempt to do it all.... or sit here and take it easy?
Ahh man I'm screwed... totally screwed... how did I let it pile up this much!?!?
The weird thing is none of this reflects my grades.... I got pretty okay results.... A* in History, A* in Maths and B + in English an French I got a C so I'm pretty happy... cept for English... I know I can do better, just takes me actually bothering to put effort into it. But I dunno everytime I sit in that English room my eyelids begin to droop and I'm falling asleep again. Something about the whole way she teaches her lessons makes me so tired and bored...that I nod off... but I gots to get over that otherwise I'll just feel a dumbass.
Art is really starting to scare me. Before I was laughing and joking thinking man this is hilarious... I haven't done ANY art.... but now I'm thinking ohhh holy crap.... either miss chappells gonna have one more lesson of mercy or shes gonna actually fry me alive and if Mr Evison comes to visit then worse.... I'll be humiliated. Its not like I suck at art! I really don't! and thats what so depressing...everyone around me doesn't see my true effort because I never put any work into it! why? because, it sounds pathetic but losing the folder really spun me into this uncontrolable need not to care at all.... an every single time I put pencil to paper I keep thinking about it... and then I think why the shit did I do that?! and will this piece that I'm doing ever live up to those pieces? and what if I don't even come out with stuff thats just as good as what was in my art folder? An all these questions go round my head and then I just don't wana do art anymore. Its a dumbass way to think but I cant frikin help it.... I'm just so frustrated and angry still. Alls I wana do when I've finished an art lesson is run half a mile away from it because it depresses me so much. But when I come to actually putting effort into it, I take my time but then miss and everyone else around me perceives that as SLOW!!!!!!! I'm so sick of that... yeah I don't rush it all coz I don't want it to turn out like crap like Laura who basically takes five minutes to do her final piece and it turns out looking like baby shit on a canvass.... I don't wana be the one sat there at the end thinking wow I could have put way more effort into that... if I bothered to put the time into it. I'm so sick of people saying hurry up (even though I frikin well need to) because it puts me off.... it really majorly does. Woha this post has gone on way too long.
The main thing is... I need someone to just tell me GET ON WITH IT YOU WUSSS!!! because the truth is I am being a wuss.... and thats why none of this crap isn't getting done.... I have to do it... otherwise its gonna be hell in the next few weeks... it really is.
So no internet, tv or even sleep for the next two weeks... to get myself out this other hole I seem to be stuck in at the moment. arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Howdy Partnarrrrzz! frikin hell its new years eve!?!! HOW THE HECK DID WE GET HERE MAN?
I'm not gonna wish anybody any happy anything until its properly New Year because I'm bein a loner this time round... we're not doin anything and my snide ass brother has gone off to have a pint with his fat friend... what a way to spend it huh?
And I'm indecisive at this point, whether to shuffle through this year and look back... or to just accept everything thats happened and not bring it up again e.g. start a new year without remembering last.
What to do?! hmm Tell ya what.. give ya fifteen minutes to comment... so for now see yowxx
HALOHA ladies an gentlemen.... after tomorrows picture post am going to leave to pc for an entire week... just to see if I can do it, spart of this new risk game I'm playing. Comment if you recon I can do it :D
For tomorrow..... MERRRRRRRRYYYYY CHRISTMASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS EVERYYYYYYYBODYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YEEHA! :D
Yesterday ...really took my mind of things for a while... which was good... by plonking it onto other things xD It was nice though... getting to know people I didn't know so well before... an yeah
I don't think I was out of it... its entirely too difficult to determine whether I'm smashed or just being... "couldn't give an arse" me so I'll just leave it as negative..... even though your mum thought otherwise jen :P I don't think I got one minute o sleep last night..... my neck hurts though I know that much Stumbled to church......but got there just in the nick of time to hide behide Esther and hoped I blended in. Good thing was the lyrics were on a screen above us... so yeah... I really didn't care though despite 800 + people were staring at me... and I had no idea what I was doing.. it was probs the lack of sleep. Well I better be off... I have to turn my sleep patterns round before tomorrow.. or i'm screwed. So I'm gonna go to sleep round about 11/12... and wake up early. Yeeha... okay so see yaxxx and have an awesome day tomorrow! :D
ladies and gentleman I have truly become a vampire... frikin helll.. I went to bed at 5am and I'm up at 6pm, one frikin hour before I'm supposed to be at jens... oh dear. Slike I live at night time now... eeep
HAHA! i just danced around like a mental patient to metallica in justins room.... moshings like sex! AHH man.. now I'm all sweaty! off to get some tea! xD
I really should go to sleep... but I don't feel tired, I had two hours sleep since yesterday. The main thing is I need to get off this thing... its screwing up my life, literally... So I've decided much like lowey to stop going on the internet so much and limit myself to 1-2 hours a day... because truly I'm not talking for anyone else... but I feel sad, pathetic even that wow... this is my life... the computer... I've spent and wasted that much time on this thing that I don't even notice how much of my life its sucking away... So yup thats what I'm gonna do. I did drag my arse to town...how I gathered the energy I dunno... got a lift from Jenny's mum (hope she wasn't chessed off about taking me Jen :/) then came home... went out again, saw Black Christmas with smiley then went for takeaway with mum. I decided I hate shopping.. loathe detest the stuff... after two days straight of wondering round shops, racking my brain for ideas for presents and shredding my feet to death... I can safely say I never wana go shopping again.. till I absolutely need to. Theres something wrong with my body temperature.... I can feel really cold... but so hot at the same time. I'm nutso :/ On another note... I'm very confused.. or maybe I just knew it all along. Its really... gut wrenching, shouldn't be like that. Well I suppose I better run, might watch a film with mum n dad..... or talk to Jus... never spend time with em really... and then I'll go to bed... man I got tons of winks to catch up on.
p.s an I almost forgot!.. A* in maths :o me?! the apparent (to the teachers) a complete maths block... wow, well to those teachers who did think I was bad at maths... I can safely say, SCREW YOU!!! an congrats to everyone who got righteous marks too :P
Dreams rock my world... last night it was way too cold to sleep properly and so I drifted off into these frikin terrifying but awesome dreams. There was one where I was stood on a motorway opposite a run down city... there was a massive van parked up on the hard shoulder and one of those giant four wheelers that are like 20 ft tall... there were two mental patients chained up on the pavement... one had a massive big drill.... and when he thought people weren't looking, he drilled the other guy to smitherines... ripping all his limbs off...he was screaming his head off but no one around did anything about it. I was stood there thinking holy cow! crap I need to get away quickly, this guys a psycho and why the hell is he doing that!!!.... he wouldn't stop drilling this guy......and then he turned to look at me.... and I thought oh dear but then the driver in the van stepped out... he started walking towards me and then I knew I had to get away from there at that point.... then out of the blue a whole army of freaks came charging up the motorway heading for me..... but then the guy in the giant four wheeler came out with a gun and started shooting all three of them. I ran after him as he got back into the four wheeler... and I said can I have a lift? these guys are nuts... he said ok if you want casually... Hes bombing it down the motorway at well over a 100....... and then he jurks into this forest past all these giant trees......I'm paniking a lot, having one of my weird arse heart rollercoasters To make things worse he says "Ya know theres something I should tell you... I'm actually the one running away from these guys... they've got somethin against me an now they're pickin on you too.... you good at holdin your breath?" I was like what!? what the hell you talking about... Then he goes at full speed and charges, sending the four wheeler flying into the this giant river thats running through the forest... above us are the freaks in helicopters looking for us... then the entire four wheeler goes underwater... and I take one deep breath... Next thing I know I'm in an underground basement surrouded by other people who are apparently running away from these guys also.... and the mans there telling them how to escape quickly if they ever come looking for them....to hold your breath for long periods of time etc One of the girls pisses me off majorly for some reason... then I end up having a weird arse fight... well where I can actually fight... using what little martial arts knowledge I know... but I'm actually good at it for once.. so I'm like woha :o Then the dream ends...crappers..... but the guy was uber hot... he was fairly skinny.. with longish black hair and a very white face.. with one of those kick arse leather coats...
Wow and thats more than I've updated in an entire month... I was just inspired to share it with you... dreams just have this undefinable quality to them where... you have loads more freedom than you have in reality, like nothings impossible.. its so damn refreshing, I never really wana wake up
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